Caring for the carer
Our little one has recently been diagnosed with ADHD. Which is amazing because it’s been a bit of a fight. But with it has come some unexpected outcomes and feelings. (I’ll go into some of these in more detail in other posts).
But the main thing to become blatantly obvious is I need to care for myself more so I can be a better carer.
For a long time, without the diagnosis you keep holding on because you keep thinking that all of a sudden he’ll change or calm down. So you just keep holding on till that moment comes. But as soon as you get that diagnosis you realise this isn’t just going to dramatically change. This is now long term. And of course that is completely ok. But on the plus side with a diagnosis comes an element of certainty – this is how we now support him.
But this involves a lot from me, emotionally and physically.
1. I have to remain calm at all times. (I do not achieve this) because the moment I become emotional it descends into chaos.
2. I have to be two steps ahead at all times. Children with ADHD have so much internal chaos that they need structure, boundaries and order externally. They can also incredibly impulsive, so you have no idea what they’ll do.
3. Problems which need solving become apparent continuously. You see a problem, you work on solving it, then another one pops up.
4. Children with the hyperactive type of ADHD are so so so so active. I am not active but have to be to keep up. A few miles walk before bed.
5. Sleep is tricky – getting off to sleep and him staying asleep are tricky. I don’t have a full nights sleep very often.
These are some of the tricky bits of life with ADHD, that impact me. But to do all of this. I have to look after myself so I can be the best mum I can be.
So how can I look after myself? I am aware that some of these ways are very personal to me some of them would not feel like self care to you. But keep in mind it may not feel like self care but it might help!
1. Me time – I basically work full time. I help run a childrens centre, I run my own business and I’m studying so there isn’t much me time. I have started to try and put in at least 30 mins me time once or twice a week. Sometimes it’s not achieved but I am trying. I’m doing some training in central London next week so I will be staying an extra half hour for a cuppa in a cafe by myself. I’ve tried doing life without this and it doesn’t work. I get fried and I burn out. I’m no good to myself, my job or my family. So me time it is!! I also treat myself to the odd present here and there!!
2. Systems – This is the one you might hate. But I have a lot of systems in place to help me. I am spinning a lot of plates in life. So I have to put in systems to make sure those plates don’t drop and break. I also have systems that help me feel at peace about life.
3. Partner Time – This is super hard to do. We don’t get evenings and the little one doesn’t just sit in bed and read a book. So we have had to find ways to see each other. We get chance to catch up, mainly chat about who needs the car when but also see each other. My husband and I are a team in this parenting thing and I need my team mate. One way we’ve found is we sit in the garden for 20 mins a week during my sons screen time. (Need some ideas about what to do in the winter though!)
4. Get a support network – We’ve struggled to ask for help. Mainly because deep down I’ve worried about what people will think of his behaviour. But now I am sure I need help! This is what it is and people will have to take us how they find us! We have my parents who help us with the little one and then I have people who I can just talk to, I need to widen the groups a little. But this is all new.
These are just some ideas. What are ways you look after yourself?